Time flies. I can't believe it's already July! (I just

turned 29!!!)  I spent much of June preparing for my

trip to New York, where I'm typing this now,  but

y'all, I still have to tell you all about May.  For

real.  It was an important month for me.  I finally

broke through some barriers that I realize I set up

myself. These were strong barriers because they were

created by my old friend: Fear.  Fear has been hanging

around helping me talk myself out of things I've

really wanted to do for longer than I care to admit.

It's true. 

Check it out, for a few years I've been toying with

the idea of making of chapbook, but somehow, every

time the idea surfaced I managed to come up with

reasons why I shouldn't do it. I'd think about time,

money, the fact that I've never made a chapbook before

and decide that it was an impossible task. But truth

be told, when I look back time, money and

inexperience weren't the real reasons I didn't make

the books. Lurking beneath those factors was the real

reason, I was afraid that no one would want to buy my

books. I imagined how hurt and embarrassed I'd be

going home with all the books I'd made and that was

what really stopped me in my tracks. So with visions

of unsold chapbooks in my head, I'd shelve the idea

and go on with life as usual.

Well, the idea came up again in May but this time

something other than fear prevailed.  I don't know why

really, but this time I listened to a voice inside me

that whispered, "At least try." Then I thought of all

the times I'd performed and afterward someone asked me

where they could buy my work, I thought of a book I'd

just been given, "Shakti Woman" and its message of

empowerment, I thought of the sparkle in

my boyfriend's eyes when I'd mentioned the idea on the

train from Belgium, I also thought about the fact that

I only had one gig left and that unlike the ones

before it was unpaid. (Hey, if I made a chapbook I

could make a few Euros.)  So I decided to take a

chance and make the book.

I gathered my words, a glue stick, scissors, faith and

sat on the bed cutting and pasting for about three

hours.  When it was all said and done, there it was,

my chapbook, "Permanent Rain."  I called Mirlande, one

of my best friends, to tell her the good news.

Now surrounding this mini whirlwind about the chapbook

was a much greater one.  I'd decided-seemingly out of

nowhere-to not only present my new book but to sing at

this Monday performance as well. Singing is a love of

mine but a closet love up until now because I only did

it when I was alone.  But that had started to change. I was

singing around friends now and I'd even written two

songs.  It seemed like singing in public was the next logical 

step. The thing is that the only one who knew I wanted to

torture-um-challenge myself this way was me.  Well,

when something has to happen, when something is meant

to be--you might find that you create the perfect

situation for it to happen... despite yourself.  I

was quite calm when I asked Lucien to play guitar at

the gig, and I was collected when I asked Ayesha to

dance, and I was probably having an out of body

experience when they both agreed enthusiastically.

Then we set a rehearsal for two days before the show

and that's when I started feeling like I must have

been out of my mind!!!!  Rehearsal? I don't know

anything about rehearsal and "Four Women" is a

deceptively difficult song to sing and how exactly was

I supposed to work with a musician anyway?? Could we

cancel this? Yeah-a sista was in turmoil.  But

somewhere within myself, I knew it was time. Just like

it was past time to create a chapbook it was also time

to sing.  So after a four hour rehearsal I spent five

hours in Kinko's and by midnight Saturday, I had a

chapbook and Lucien, Ayesha and I had something

promising to share with Monday's audience.

 So Monday, May 6th I sang my song and I presented my

chapbook.  I sold almost all the books I brought and

people encouraged me to keep singing. The experience

was overwhelming.  The truth is that most new things I

do frighten me but I'm working to make an art out of

putting my faith before my fears. The May 6th show was

recently broadcast on the radio and I present video footage

here below.
 

(Temporarily no Video files available)

VIDEO May 6th, 2002
Performance at Jazzisms in Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Four Women/ Nina Simone

(Warning: the following is gonna make you feel like

you are watching the Academy Awards or listening to

your local Hip-Hop station, but I have to give big

shout outs to all the people who helped me make the

book and sing the song:  Ayesha, Lucien, Mirlande,

Dominique, Yehudi, Sahr.  Thanks for havin' my back!)

On another note, the day of the performance Holland

was shaken by its first political assassination.  The

politican, Pim Fortuin was know for his charisma and

his ideas about slowing immigration down and making

Holland a place where Dutch is heard on the streets.

In other words, Holland for white Dutch people.

Fortuin received 30% of the vote in Rotterdam, a huge

achievement and a shocking one to those who believed

in Holland's long standing reputation as a "tolerant"

country.  My September Reflection will be a profile on

an artist who uses film to challenge the Netherlands

to look more closely at the way it deals with racism.

Stay tuned to meet Tessa Boerman.